lack of motivation...sigh

So...in reviewing my blog, I realized it has been over a week since I have posted any progress..or regression...in my quest for the skinny me! Alas, she is still out of my reach, still hiding somewhere behind the jar of Nutella, I am sure, nowhere to be found. So, to continue with this quest, I must review what I have done since the beginning of this blog.

Work out? Check.

Maybe not as often as I should. I tend to be an extremist, I found out. I either work out all the time with no rest in between sessions to heal and grow, or I work out not at all, just wishing I could fit into my skinny jeans, munching on sugar free cookies. This summer, I implemented the help of a trainer, not only to help me know what is the best work out for the results I want, but also to keep me motivated. Thank you, Justin!! And, I have the best work out partner ever...OLIVIA!! Only problem is that we have been hit with a little snotty sore throat bug that also likes chocolate and does not like working out. I think that bug is almost gone, so our routine begins again. Yeah! Work out? CHECK!

Sleep? Definitely check. That is an area that has not been lacking this summer! LOVE SUMMER VACATION!!

http://www.better-sleep-better-life.com/benefits-of-sleep.html

Diet? Check! No dairy, no soy, no honey, and no refined sugar. I know, sounds like no fun, but we are actually making it work! It's amazing what recipes we are developing in the pursuit of this way of eating. Last week at the doctor's (nutrition response testing), Olivia & I were told that we were progressing beautifully! He actually called us over achievers! Yeah! Just wish the fat would listen, and leave.

http://www.drwalshcares.com/index.php?p=29108

Supplements? Absolutely check! I am even taking the ones that stink! Zypan! Nasty stuff. It is healing my body from all the years of eating everything I wanted even if it was bad for me.

Motivation?...Motivation?...ahemmm...MOTIVATION?

Ah, so that is where the issue lies. I have all the other parts of this project to be successful. I am working out with a great partner, eating right...and often (6 small meals daily), getting plenty of sleep, and taking my supplements as needed. But what I am lacking most is motivation.

Maybe I am just lazy. That could be it. Maybe I like just sitting on my couch, huddled under my big blanket with the air conditioning pouring out cool air, watching Food Network and the Cooking channel, and every once in a while, Jerseylicious....okay, I know that is a crazy show, but have you seen it?? It's hilarious!

If I stay there on the couch, protected under my heavy blankets, I don't have to face the fact that my weight is not coming off no matter how much I work out or what I do NOT eat. I don't have to face the fact that after almost 10 years of being divorced I am still single with absolutely no hope in finding the right guy. I don't have to face the fact that after the recession hit, I mean depression hit, not getting a kick backs from the investments, I am a little more grounded.

So...what am I really thinking about all this?? Do I really think that if I lose the weight, work out 'til you can bounce a quarter off me... (right now when I try that, I lose the quarter! When I tighten up, I may end up being a millionaire with all the cash lost! hahaha!!!)...look good to my standards, that I will meet and fall in love THEN?? IS THAT WHAT IS GOING ON IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD??? Maybe. Probably more the FRONT of my mind, really….as often as I think about it. When I was thinner, I did have guys asking me out. Not the right guys, but guys. Now that I am heavier, no one is even looking, much less asking. IS THAT WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT?? Is that where my motivation is coming from? If it is, then no wonder I lack motivation. hmmmm...I need to think about this one.

My motivation can not come from the "possibility" of finding love. I can not base my hope in a man. Unless, of course, that man is Jesus Christ. Every other man will let me down. Has let me down. Even my made up imaginary beautiful French man will let me down. So, if my motivation can not be for "love"...then what?

Health?? Well, sure, I would be much healthier if I lost 20 pounds. But, according to my doctor's visit, I am doing great My sugar levels are way down, my asthma is almost a non issue. I am sleeping all through the night. Even Justin told me last training session, that I was actually in good shape, health wise. I can walk 10 miles in one sitting and not die. So, if not for love and not for health, then for what??

For Christ? He did say that our bodies are His temple, that we should be ready to do His work at any time. That, without a doubt should be my motivation. To be ready to work for Him…but, I am. Really. What He has called for me do so far, I have done. He provides my health. He provides my ability. That should be enough, right? Then why isn't it?

Clothes? Well, maybe. I do have a closet full of really cute clothes that I can not fit into to. I am not ready to give them up to Good Will or sell them at a garage sale just yet. I know I said I was, but in all honesty, I am not. I still want that skinny me back!!! Is that my motivation?? I WANT THAT SKINNY ME BACK FOR ME!!!

Then if THAT is my motivation, why isn’t it working?? Why am I still not losing weight?? Why do I still feel huge?? Why can I not fit into my skinny clothes? I am working out, eating right, taking supplements, sleeping!! Definitely, sleeping. So why am I not seeing any results??

Oh, yeah, it’s because of my age, right? I don’t buy that. I see women older than me who look fantastic! I want to look fantastic! Hey, I would settle for “good” right now; fantastic later.

It is so discouraging, frustrating, humiliating when I do what I can and have nothing to show for it!! ARGHHH!!! I know, I know, it will take time. It did not get put on overnight, so it won’t come off overnight. I have been told that a lot, but what is discouraging is that it has been more than just overnight that I have been working on this. I know I can be so hard on myself. It is just sooo discouraging. I am not going to stop. I will keep eating right. I will keep working out. I will sleep the right amount. I will keep taking the nasty supplements. I will not stop.

I will not stop.

Thank you for letting me vent!! Hope to post better results, progress, next time!